The Abuse Does Not Stop, It Evolves!

Your phone makes a sound, and you feel your breath restricted. It’s not quite a jump, but your nervous system has again been activated. It could be your mum, friend, or a social media notification, but it doesn’t matter; you’re anxious every time your phone makes a sound. Your heart rate increases as you slowly pick up the phone and see yet another message from your ex.

As always, the message destabilises you. There is a feeling of low-level panic as you read the message. Yet again, you’re the monster, and them, the victim of a single parent who is alienating them from their child. Your ex, however, is clever; their messages always use the correct language —“in the best interest of the child, the child’s rights” —but they never actually address concerns or provide valuable suggestions for the real job, that is, ‘parent the child'. It is always about their right to contact, your incorrect use of language, disappointment at how you dressed the child, being 5 minutes late yesterday, not yet booking the dentist, not telling them something within an imaginary timeframe, and chasing you to respond to a nonsensical, non-urgent email. The list is endless.

You’re constantly on the back foot, playing catch-up as ping, another message arrives. You genuinely want to co-parent and make this work, to compromise, reach an agreement that prioritises the child’s needs, but no matter what you say or do, their focus is to catch you out and make you justify every little comment, twisting and turning every word you say is their focus, not the child.

You agonise for hours over wording – your head hurts. You recall what should have been a simple conversation, ending in you fighting for your life about an incident that occurred two years ago. You’re exhausted! Leaving the relationship has changed nothing. Your phone, laptop, or computer has become an enemy, and the parent app an additional expensive noose. Your child has become a weapon to keep you engaged and feeding their need for power and control. The abuse has not stopped, only evolved.