3 Ways People Negatively Impact How You Communicate With an Abusive Coparent

“I believe that women should carry the parental load,” my mother said.

I looked at her and said nothing......

The comment followed an observation that she expected me to help domestically over Christmas, but did not hold the same expectation of my brother. It didn’t offend me, but it did make me pause. It highlighted the unconscious parental beliefs placed on us and how easily we carry them forward.

The truth is, I share this belief. But now that it sits in my conscious awareness, it frustrates me. I can see how it feeds into a wider narrative that influences what I communicate, tolerate, and endure as a mother.

Communication is always shaped by belief systems. These beliefs are largely formed within three core circles: family, social groups, and professional environments. Parenting beliefs are especially vulnerable to this influence. We consciously and unconsciously parent according to the blueprint of our upbringing, extended family, and friends who are parents themselves. Along the way, we absorb comments and judgments—often subtle—that shape our understanding of what is “good” or “bad” parenting.

An abusive coparent watches these vulnerabilities closely. Like a hawk, they identify parental insecurities and use them to destabilise you in conversation. The negative beliefs and self-doubt you hold about your parenting are easily weaponised—often reinforced by the same core circles that shaped them.

For example, if you strongly believe in the importance of a traditional family unit but are now parenting alone following separation, you may hear repeated comments about the benefits of a two-parent household. Over time, this can generate shame, guilt, or self-doubt about your role as a parent. An abusive coparent can then exploit these beliefs to manipulate, undermine, or control communication.

This is why it is critical, when engaging with an abusive coparent, to recognise shared core beliefs. You must be able to distinguish between a belief that is culturally or socially shared and an actual agreement with—or validation of—the abusive coparent’s position.

Below are three ways your core circles can shape beliefs and negatively impact how you communicate with an abusive coparent.

1. Family

Influence on Core Beliefs:

Normalises conflict in relationships, often observed from childhood

Reinforces beliefs such as: “Keeping the peace is more important than setting boundaries “Children need both parents, no matter the harm”

Intergenerational trauma may minimise or excuse abusive behaviour as cultural or “just how things are”

Impact on Coparenting:

Encourages silence, tolerance, or over-accommodation

Discourages assertive communication or protective boundaries

Pressures the parent to “be the bigger person,” even at personal or child cost

2. Friends & Social Groups

Influence on Core Beliefs

Advice is often based on personal experience rather than an understanding of abuse

Common social narratives include: “Don’t provoke them” “It takes two to fight” “Children need both parents”

Persistent messaging that children have worse outcomes in single-parent families

Impact on Coparenting

Invalidates the reality of abuse

Encourages engagement when disengagement would be safer

Creates guilt and self-doubt when communication boundaries are enforced

3. Workplace / Professional Environment

Influence on Core Beliefs

Emphasises professionalism, collaboration, and compromise

Rewards conflict-management styles that do not translate to abusive dynamics

Promotes the belief that all conflict is resolvable through better communication

Impact on Coparenting

Pushes unrealistic expectations of “teamwork” with an abusive coparent

Encourages over-explaining and excessive emotional or mental labour

Penalises necessary protective strategies (e.g. limited contact, parallel parenting)

Our communication with an abusive coparent is rarely shaped in isolation. It is deeply influenced by the beliefs we carry from our family, social circles, and professional environments—often without us realising it. These core circles can normalise silence, compromise, or endurance, even when those responses are unsafe or harmful.

Abusive coparents are skilled at identifying and exploiting these internalised beliefs. Ideas such as “children need both parents,” “keeping the peace matters most,” or “better communication will fix it” can be weaponised to create guilt, self-doubt, and pressure to engage when boundaries or disengagement are actually protective.

Becoming aware of where these beliefs come from allows us to separate shared social narratives from genuine agreement with an abusive coparent’s position—and to communicate from a place of clarity rather than conditioning.

💬 What has your experience been?

Have family, friends, or professional expectations influenced how you communicate with an abusive coparent? I’d really value hearing your thoughts—please share in the comments below.